There Is A Crack In Everything
There is a crack in everything, that ‘s how the light gets in
--- Leonard Cohen
In March, right on the heels of the incoming tsunami of the coronavirus, one of my most cherished lifelong friends died. I had spent much time with her during her last few weeks alive, so it was not that I was unprepared for her death in actuality. The grieving process for my friend’s beloved husband and her circle of loved ones has been a cruel conundrum, as we struggle with ways to come to terms with our loss, sequestered alone and scattered across the country. Then last week, another dear lifelong friend lost her mother to the virus, and the funeral was held via Zoom where 60 people attended virtually. Only four people were allowed to be graveside, standing a minimum of 6-feet apart.
An intellectual understanding of death has absolutely nothing to do with what happens to us, and what we may need emotionally and psychologically though, when we lose someone we love even under normal circumstances. Heightened by the catastrophic moment we are in makes it all the more hauntingly lonely and confounding to even know how to deal with one’s feelings. All of us grieving are forced to find alternative ways to seek comfort and community, because the ways we may be used to traditionally are not possible now.
Many of us have no awareness that we even hold to traditions for comfort and safety during a time of grief and mourning. Our focus has been brought to them now because of the absence of them. Time-worn traditions of funerals, memorials, wakes, sitting shiva, telling tales, making commemorations, breaking bread together -- all are part of cultural and religious traditions we probably take for granted. These are events, and rituals, that we willingly and naturally participate in, at times perhaps more out of expectation than desire, but we may have never asked ourselves what it is that they actually offer us. We are all players in the family of man, but that ancient awareness often stays silent, waiting for us to remember it. It comes to us in moments of crisis or survival, when our fight or flight response kicks in, but it comes alive too when we feel love, and when we grieve.
Right now, we are being held tightly in the grip of fear - - from the loss of control in our current circumstances, the real possibility of death looming, and simply from the sense of the unknown creeping in on us at all times. Feeling ultimately challenged, we might be desperate to take control of our reality right now. All humanity is grieving for the loss of our “normal” lives. We may not recognize this as grief or loss, but it has the tell-tale signs. In these harrowing weeks many of us have been dealing with denial or anger, sadness or depression…. So how do we quell the feelings that this crisis is throwing at us?
At any time knowledge is power, and having more information almost always helps us to calm down. During a crisis of these proportions, we may need to look in odd places for safety and security, more than likely in areas previously unseen or unknown to us, in order to learn how to ride these tidal waves. In many ways, we are facing similar existential issues that arise for us when we think about death and dying - fear, anxiety, grief and loss. Ironically, there is much to borrow from death awareness and death consciousness that can aid us in navigating safely through these troubled waters, and learn to live more fully, even during chaotic and tumultuous times.
Now more than ever we need to embrace all that is authentic in our lives and find our way back to something more basic, by cultivating hidden parts of our original nature. This process will require internal focus, patience and humility to open ourselves up to personal transformation. What do we have to lose though, and if not now, when?
Grief
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.
--- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Love and grief came into the world together, they are inextricably entwined, like a kudzu vine. Humans, and other animals too, have the need to bear witness for one another in grief because it is the other side of love. As much as we need a physical hug to feel the body warmth of another, we need to be seen and known by others when experiencing loss. Grief needs to be externalized and shared. This reflects how we remember our interconnectedness in the deepest and most profound way. There is a mystery to life that we cannot know consciously, but we are all bound to it’s story.
Under the present conditions, necessity is the mother of invention, and we will find other means to express our grief if we know we need this to heal ourselves too. The Zoom funeral I attended was cathartic for me in a very different way than if I had been at the grave crying with my friend and her family. Nonetheless, it provided a respite, a receptacle of sorts, for me to place my sadness in, to feel love towards those others grieving that I could see perhaps even more intimately on the computer screen than I would have in person. Maybe most importantly it gave me the gift of the time to stop and be present within my heart for those moments to honor and celebrate a loved one, and a life well lived. Attending to our grief with acceptance, a knowingness and a sense of responsibility is how we survive and learn to live with it and not be destroyed by it. Viktor Frankl wrote in his ground-breaking book Man’s Search For Meaning, “Man is not destroyed by suffering, man is destroyed by suffering without meaning “.
The challenge in these unprecedented times is to find meaning in this different sort of life we are leading, and to acknowledge the feelings of sadness and grief we experience, perhaps coming at us from a multitude of circumstances. No matter how it arrives at our doorstep, we can make room to express our loss in order to release the emotion and not ignore or deny it. We will grow and learn exponentially from our suffering, even if we want to avoid it as much as we want to avoid being infected with this deadly virus.
Ritual
“A ritual is the enactment of a myth. And, by participating in the ritual, you are participating in the myth. And since myth is a projection of the depth wisdom of the psyche, by participating in a ritual, participating in the myth, you are being,..put in accord with that wisdom, which is the wisdom that is inherent within you anyhow. Your consciousness is being re-minded of the wisdom of your own life.”
—- Joseph Campbell
Renowned 20th century author Joseph Campbell devoted his life to the study of ritual and myth, and is often remembered for the catch-phrase “Follow your bliss”. He believed deeply in the fundamental power that ritual and myth provide for our essential wholeness and well-being.
Ritual is often misunderstood as primarily having a religious context, but ritual is way more fundamental, taking us back into primal ancient memory. Rituals help us to reconnect with deep internal rhythms we have forgotten to listen to in the modern world. By freeing our brain up by the repetition of simple actions, we can remember a forgotten frequency, one more in tune with the universe. Ritual rekindles memory of our basic humanity and our interconnectedness with all things. Establishing rituals within our lives is like throwing down flowers on the path so we can find our way back home, when we lose our way or get confused about where we are. They serve the purpose to put us back in good stead with ourselves; to help us return to a place of calmness, to feel a sense of self as well as a sense of belonging to something greater than ourselves. Re-connecting ritual back into our lives can greatly alleviate stress and pressure right now. It gives our minds an ability to re-focus away from the anxiety that holds us in check. When we repeat an action or pattern over time our brain forms new neural pathways and they become imprinted. We may find balance and equilibrium this way.
We can introduce ritual into our lives with the simplest of routines and repeated actions without noticing - setting your alarm for the same time each day even if you don’t need to get up then, or walk, exercise or write in your journal on the same days each week at the same time. Try imparting a new rhythm to your routine since we are all topsy turvy now anyway. Since we will be sequestered away from a social life with others for some time, introducing new patterns of routine, and ritual, is good for our sustained mental and emotional health. Attaching ourselves to these greater circles and cycles through repetitive actions over time is a meditation of sorts. Look for the things that bring you joy to lead you into them - dance, cook, paint, write, garden, take a bath, play music, chart the cycles of the moon, light candles, run up and down the stairs if you like - but make time for whatever you choose - with regularity and routine in frequency and scheduling.
Life Meaning & Legacy
Life and death are but phases of the same thing, the reverse and obverse of the same coin. Death is as necessary for man's growth as life itself.
--- Mahatma Gandhi
Many people when learning the hard truth that their end is near, will ask themselves, “Did my life have meaning?, “Was I loved?/Did I love well?”, “What do I want to do with the time I have left?” I think they are the lucky ones, because they now have whatever time left to make their life right with themselves. This is a profound gift that way too many of us wait way too long to see, as perhaps, the most important truth there is. If, in fact, we could have this revelation when we are young, vital and healthy, would it, and could it, change our lives? We might use the critical circumstances of this pandemic to turn the lens on ourselves with these questions, as if we are facing the truth of our own end (since that is what we probably fear anyway!).
Death is always the elephant in the room, one way or another - it is universally waiting for us at the end of the road in this life. What we don’t really hear about or know is how often this awareness or acceptance actually sparks a transformation for the dying, and even for their loved ones. I’m not saying that knowing death is imminent is everything. In fact, it is just the beginning of a journey - but that is what it is, an epic journey to find, uncover and create meaning and significance from the raw material of our lives. A whole new world can unfold, made from the “stuff” of our acknowledging the certainty of death. As much as we embrace the miracle of birth, imagine if we held death with the same reverence. It would inevitably bring a softening, a letting down, an acceptance and give us so much to work with. It would also give us the necessary time to approach any unfinished business or regrets.
According to developmental psychologist Erick Erickson, the impulse to reflect on one’s life is an inborn imperative that naturally occurs as a person reaches the last stage of life. He called this stage Ego Integrity vs. Despair. As a person faces imminent death, they are automatically thrust into this final developmental stage - no matter how old they may be. If a dying person is able to attain ego integrity in the process of reflecting on their life, they come to feel proud of their accomplishments, understanding the meaning contained in their life, and achieve a positive sense of completion. They can also recognize the legacies they leave behind. The benefits of exploring meaning and creating a legacy has been established in a number of studies. One of those studies reported that the people in the legacy group, in comparison to the control group, experienced a decrease in breathing difficulty, pain, and depressive symptoms, along with an increase in a sense of spiritual meaning. Legacies, when thought about and crafted, can be our gift we give to ourselves, and those we love, for the end of our journey. It gives us the opportunity to celebrate and reflect on the true significance of our lives and how we want to express that. They are our enduring imprint on the earth and within other’s lives who love and grieve us when we are departed. Legacy work can take any form that inspires, and is how we remember, and are remembered.
During the time we are quarantined is a great time to start thinking about and working on our legacy, and what it means to us. While the world is changing drastically around us, we can choose to focus on real internal change, Listen to our heart and allow it to transform us.
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Leonard Cohen/Anthem https://open.spotify.com/album/7E4FRoU4Pk0WuO1SQMV1Bo?highlight=spotify:track:7aAE5KL20Uycf3dswsaHjp
Viktor Frankl https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X
Grief.com https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Joseph Campbell https://www.amazon.com/s?k=joseph+campbell&i=stripbooks&crid=GSDYSJOKFF4C&sprefix=joseph+%2Cprime-instant-video%2C156&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_7
A Trail on the Ground https://www.scienceandnonduality.com/article/a-trail-on-the-ground
How to rewire your brain for happiness https://www.forbes.com/sites/vanessaloder/2015/03/18/how-to-rewire-your-brain-for-happiness/#15bc09a759ef
Ego integrity vs. despair https://www.verywellmind.com/integrity-versus-despair-2795738
